Bringing Me Down to My Knees
by K-Shandra
Summary: How do you explain to someone something that you cannot even make sense of yourself?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Bringing Me Down to My Knees

Genre: FRINGE

Timeline: Mid season 3

A/N: Okay so the muse went on hiatus as far as FRINGE was concerned. The whole Peter Alt-Olivia thing got to her. But nothing like a bit of angst to get her going again. She started with an Olivia POV fic a few weeks back, but ran dry at about a thousand words… I may put it up later as I'm sure the muse will have something to add after "concentrate and ask again." This is a look at Peters feelings… mmm

Spoilers: None really mentioned, but if you're a Fringie you will see them.

Pairing: Peter and Olivia.

Beta: No, the muse refused other input, so if it's an A/U, OC or any of the other…her opinion is TUFF LUCK.

Disclaimer: Neither I, nor my muse would ever have been as cruel if they were mine.

Rating: M. But actually more of a T for language and suggested situations.

Word count: 1 578

Edited May 2010

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How could things get so complicated? How do I undo things? Where would I even start?

How do you explain to someone something that you cannot even make sense of yourself? It's late, Walter is asleep and the house is quiet, it is the time on the day I hate the most. Because it is the time I have nothing to do, nothing else to prevent me from remembering, from trying to figure out just how exactly I got here. I think of her and the other her, about what has happened and could possibly now never happen. Why me?

I remember my anger at her and at Walter for having kept the secret from me. I wanted to strike out, to hurt, but instead I left. I did what I'd always done when faced with a situation I wasn't sure about. How many times have I wondered… what would've or could've happened had I not acted as impulsively? What if I'd staid behind and gotten their reasons? But I left, hurting, angry and vengeful. When my father arrived on the scene I was happy to return to their world, the world I came from. I thought that if I could save them, if I could fix the universe then it would make things better, that it would ease the disquiet I had come to associate with my life.

Hoping that if I fixed things she would no longer need to take the risks, that she could move on with her life, possibly finding the happiness that she had lost over the time spent with us. That she no longer was held responsible for the repercussions of the thoughtless actions made by a hurting individual. That she would have a chance to be happy… She deserved that.

Their world had her alter ego. I would at least have the image of her, I could be reminded of the person I have come to care for more than myself, the one I would offer my life for, if only to keep her safe… And then she showed up, I refused to acknowledge the way my heart skipped a beat when I saw her, realized it was her. Knowing that she was here, that she had somehow crossed universes for me. Her words I will never forget "Because you belong with me." I would walk off the end of the earth for her if it meant she would have me at her side. It was were I wanted, still want to be. It was the only place I had felt valued, needed. I had always wanted to believe that she'd had the same feelings for me that I've had for her. I wanted into her life so badly…

How was I to know that the Olivia that returned with us was not her? The first time she returned she nearly died, and then it took months for her to recover. I've didn't know what Olivia would be like in a relationship. I'd only seen snippets of how she was with John. She was softer around him, she'd smiled more, and she was like a tiger whilst he was threatened. Oh god! That was one of the reasons why I fell in love with her in the first place. I wanted that type of commitment, I wanted someone, no her, to care about me like that, and I'd thought I'd finally had it. She had crossed universes for me, she'd risked her life for me, how was I to know the laughing, relaxed person I got to know after my return was not her? She hadn't guarded her feelings or seemed to need to since our return. I had thought that it was because we had been separated, and that like me she just could not see the world in a happier light if I was not there to share it. It made me love her even more, because I though that she had put up the professional front to guard her feelings, and I liked the softer side…

My time on the other side was hard, waking up every morning knowing I would not see her, wanting to phone her just to hear her voice… it ate me up. I welcomed the openness she showed, I had always been able to take her at face value, Oliva had never spared my feelings, and she had always been honest. We had never had a reason to doubt each other.

When I'd finally gotten to make love to her, even now I cannot think of it as sex… to me it was too real. My feelings and involvement were too real… It was something I had spent too much time thinking about, dreaming about. I thought I had everything… but it ended up being only an illusion. One that affected more than just her and me, there are times I'm too scared to think of what those repercussions it may be...

The woman I'd held in my arms wasn't Olivia, okay she was but she wasn't my Olivia. She was her, the other one. God I felt like such a fool when I was faced with the truth, I had been blinded by love, so in love that I had failed to see the most obvious… Even in a relationship Olivia would protect her emotions, what'd happened in her past wouldn't have rendered her as open.

I couldn't handle it, what I'd done. It brewed for a while and then I had to tell her… She had to hear it from me. And if that had not been enough for her to swallow that the other her had lived her life for the better part of three months, she had to learn that she'd also shared her bed with me. I'd seen the pain reflected in her eyes before she managed to put up her guard, her feelings once again withheld from me. I knew then that I'd crushed her, that whatever chance I may have had in the past was ruined.

But Olivia has a huge heart, and her feelings for me must have been stronger than I thought, because somehow she managed to accept it, if nothing else. I wanted to take it all back, to go back and undo everything. I want with her what the other had taken from me. I don't really care if she did develop feelings for me in the end. She had come here in the place of the woman I loved, had taken from me something that was meant for another. She'd made me believe that what I'd experienced was real, that there was a real chance of making things work between us… Only to leave us in the wake of her destructive path. To rip away from me the only person I have ever wanted. I was angered. I needed to work it out, so that I could focus on making things right again. I wanted it all to end, to put a stop to the pain they were inflicting on us. I wanted her to have fewer responsibilities, less concerns. So that she would have a reason to smile again… I miss her smile.

I'd been so into it then. Every touch, every moment, I really thought that she was happy and that I had finally found someone who I could just be with, and that they were happy to be around me. I know she's hurting… But so am I for having lived that lie. For that is all that I can call it, a lie. I love Olivia, but I also loved the situation I was in… how do I explain that to her without having her think that she's a replacement, or that I could just transfer my feelings to another and transfer them back to her, it does not work like that. I've seen what this is doing to her. I've tried to reach out to her… I would settle for a close friendship if she would allow for it again, but I'm not sure anymore… I can't help but hope and then wonder what it would be like if it did develop into more… If it ever could now…

Olivia is strong. She found her way back to us, she has coped with everything both dimensions have thrown at her thus far. She's lost her partner and her lover in this battle already, and I fear that she may be loosing herself too. I don't know how much more she would be capable of taking. How much more this is going to cost her, or for how much longer she is going to be able to keep up her brave front. She's slowly falling apart - we can all see it. But there is little that we can do. She needs someone to lean on, I use to think I was that person, but now she's cut herself off again. I'd thought that when she'd asked me to come back, it was because she needed me to be here next to her, but all I've managed to do lately is anger and hurt her. I fear that she may be regretting it now, that her life would have been a whole lot simpler if I had not been in it.

Because everything that has happened; has already driven me to my knees, and I'm not even the one who's been through the worst of it all.

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	2. Chapter 2

Title: Bringing Me Down to My Knees – Olivia.

Genre: FRINGE

Timeline: Mid season 3

Spoilers: None really mentioned, but if you're a Fringie… you will see them.

Pairing: Peter and Olivia.

Beta: No. The muse refused other input, so if it's an A/U, OC or any of the other…her opinion is TUFF LUCK.

Disclaimer: Neither I, nor my muse would ever have been as cruel if they were mine.

Rating: a light M, but according to my readability stats, you'd need to be at least 12 to be able to understand this fic.

Word count: 958

Written: April 2011

Edited and Published: July 2011

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He has no idea what it does to me… just the thought that he has, that they have…. the way it eats me up inside. Deep inside I want to hate him for it, I know I hate her. There is no way that I could even begin to put to words the feeling of injustice that beseeches me whenever it crosses my mind. She has a life, a lover who really cares for her, she even has more than one love interest if I read things correctly, why did she need to come and disrupt mine. She took away from me the one thing, the only thing I had wanted in a really long time.

It still bugs me. I really thought that I could get over it, but even with time, it's proving to be more and more painful. He wouldn't allow for me to read her diary, I knew what I would find in it, knew that it would hurt me if I did. But I wanted to know. I wanted to know what she'd had of him, that which I cannot.

I hate him at times almost as much as I hate his father. I realize that he looks at me at times in wonder, almost as if he is trying to judge me, my reactions. He's become more distant. The machine is changing him, making him more distant. Everyday he's becoming less like the person I thought I knew. The person I have come to love so dearly.

I love him, I really do, and it hurts me to see this happening. I miss our closeness, I miss his touches, the small intimacies we used to share… but at the same time I cannot spend time with him, because then I think of her and him. I think of that which should have been mine. That which I'd missed out on. Realizing that he'd found pleasure in her body, the way I would have wanted him to find pleasure in mine. Our relationship is fragile at best, and after this last stunt of his, I no longer know if I can trust him, at times I wonder if he even trusts himself. I wonder whether it's because of her, that he's started to doubt his own instincts, his gut feel. And for someone who has in the past had to rely on it to get by, it does not bode well.

I see Walter's concern. Realizing that at some stage they must have managed to rebuild their relationship, but the damage his misjudgements had made will still, for years to come I suspect, haunt him. His compunction for his actions often lends me strength, the strength not to pack it in, to not hand over the world to an evil version of the man whom had merely acted out of love… Yes, the price had been high, but had I not done the same… Gone after the one I loved, because life had just become too tedious without him. It had not just the fear for his life, which had driven me to the other side, but also my own need for him, and I would do it again if needed to.

At night, the thought of their passion filled sounds having sounded within the walls of my apartment, tears me up. I feel at times like he is punishing me for it. I want to connect with him again, to share that closeness we once did, only this time it is him who's fighting it.

I would forgive him… but I'm not sure if he can forgive himself. I know he's hurting, that his ego has taken a knock with her betrayal, and that he in some way feels responsible for what's happened to me. But he's here with us where he belongs, and as much as it hurts me to look at him, knowing what they've done, I would forgive him if I even received the slightest indication that he would be willing to risk it, again, with me.

I know that my constant referral to the two of them is getting to him, but I need to know if he loved her, and what it was about her that he'd liked, so that I could know what he never got from me. What had made it easier for him to cross the line and connect with her on that level? I'm not afraid to admit that I have thought of him in that way, almost to the point of it being obsessed with him. But I could never really figure out why we held back. I knew he liked me, and I wouldn't have expected a relationship from him initially, okay later on I kind of hoped for it, but some physical confirmation of the attraction I felt for him would have been appreciated. Instead, he'd shared it with her, had given her what I wanted, fantasized about.

She'd gotten to touch him, to have him inside her. She'd felt his movements, heard his grunts of pleasure as he exerted himself within her. She got to hang onto him as he drove into her, had sunk her nails into his butt in demand for more, whilst I can only imagine what that would be like. But hardest of them all, she would have heard his incoherent ramblings whilst making love, those thoughtless, unguarded words, that often spoke more truth about one's feelings than we're willing to bare openly… Those words that would have been meant for me, she would have heard those, okay maybe not, but I can see Peter being a raconteur whilst having sex. The point is, they should have been mine… Now I doubt they'll ever be.


End file.
